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At the beginning of this year, I wrote a post about my resolutions for 2023. Let's see what I've accomplished thus far.
I said I'd read every book Ligotti has written. Until now, Songs of a Dead Dreamer still remains the only book I've read from him. So yeah, this goal isn't going very well. In my defense, it was not a matter of discipline. I could've read more books from him if I wanted to, I just chose not to. But if you do like his writing, you may ask, why didn't you pick up any of his books? Well, I have this one problem that when I'm going to read a book or watch a movie I know is top-notch, everything has to be perfect. Like, my mind has to be in a clear state. I need to make sure that I won't have any distractions for the few hours I'll be doing that activity. The Sun has to be in the right position. The quality of the air can't exceed a certain threshold, and so on. So I've been basically postponing the reading because the perfect moment hasn't arrived yet. That's the problem of expectations. When I read Songs of a Dead Dreamer, I had no expectations whatsoever. It was just a random book with a cool cover. Now I have expectations.
The second goal was to get back to running. I haven't run a single mile yet this year. But I also have many excuses for that. In this case, the problem is that I have little free time. The only period I still had some time was in January, but I felt my feet weren't 100% yet. When I walked for long periods of time, it would start hurting. Now I can walk however much I want that it won't hurt, but I don't have time anymore. Oh, the paradox of life. But this one is my fault too, really. If I truly wanted to run, I could make time for it. For instance, I could leave the bulk of my running on the weekends, when I have more time, and just run two or three miles one day or the other during the weekdays. So it's partially my fault too. It's not that hard to run twenty miles per week, even if you're busy. I may consider running again. But it's not one of my top priorities right now.
My third goal was to keep writing here until the middle of the year, and then reconsider if I wanted to keep focusing on my English or move on to French. Well, I think I'll actually do both. I've never tried to learn two languages at the same time so I don't know if this is going to work, but I think it shouldn't be that hard. English already comes easily to me so I'd be only slowing down the learning rate of French. I'm in no hurry though so whatever.
I also made another post where I set the goal of reading sixty books this year. I was doing good, but earlier this year I faced some period of stress that set me back. But in theory, I should still be able to keep up with my initial projection.

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Hello! My name is Sav, and I am a fairly experienced roleplayer who's been RPing and writing for 10+ years! I'm 30, and I really want to get back into the hobby. Do you like writing with someone who loves fandoms, angst and is super excited to get to know you??? I might just be the person for you!
A little about me: I'm a long-winded writer and I appreciate length in my RPs -- I usually respond with multiple paragraphs, but I can adjust to match my partner. I prefer more than one or two line replies! I am pretty busy on the regular (job, personal life, etc.) but can promise at least one response a day! I also love to plot and chat outside of our roleplay, so some (a lot of) OOC chatting is something you can expect from me. I prefer playing female characters and I am open to FxF, FxNB or MxF ships! I am open to lots of different genres, plots and ideas after discussion and plotting! I'm definitely also open to doubling and playing multiple characters.
What I hope for from you: A multi-paragraph RP style with some OOC chatting! Willing to plot and chat with me, maybe even you're just excited about our plots as I am! Willing to play a character of any gender against a female character from me! Be over 21 (I am not comfortable roleplaying with someone under 21!). Is cool and friendly. :)
What I hope for our RP: I'm interested primarily in RPing a storyline from or based upon the BioShock games and universe. I am not currently interested in any other fandom or ideas -- Because these games are ruining my life! Here's what I'm looking for! - Rapture Timeline (Pre-games, BioShock 1, BioShock 2)
I am either interested in playing a canon character or an OC. I'm really interested in doing a storyline before the "fall" of Rapture, that maybe moves into the war and the subsequent nightmare scenario Rapture becomes.
I do have an OC -- Josie, an accomplished recruited lifestyle journalist brought to Rapture by Ryan as a prominent force for society & culture documentation... She's meant to be writing glowing articles about Rapture's best and brightest, but she seems to write little more than a gossip rag these days. In the search for a more meaningful story, she is going to start to uncover more and more about Rapture's true nature. If you're interested in her, she's here! I can also brainstorm other OCs, but I'm primarily interested in working with this one.
Below are the "ships" I am interested in exploring during this vague timeline. I have bolded the character I would like to play! These are super specific but this is where I'm at right now! I am open to doubling if there's a ship you'd like to explore that isn't on my list.
Brigid Tenenbaum x Frank Fontaine/Atlas Definitely interested in exploring this interesting and potentially incredibly toxic ship. Either looking for something before the war -- perhaps when Brigid is working for Fontaine Futuristics. Or looking for something during the war or after, where Brigid meets Atlas... Very interested in seeing how that goes down!
Brigid Tenenbaum x Sofia Lamb For this I mostly see something pre-civil war. Perhaps Lamb wasn't always the zealot she was. Perhaps Brigid and Sofia found something in common living in male-dominated Rapture. Or some kind of enemies to lovers situation in 2. Who knows!
Brigid Tenenbaum x OC The world is our oyster here! Got ideas?? Bring 'em on!
Brigid Tenenbaum x Rosalind Lutece Oooh a crossover ship! Can you tell I have a favorite character?? I can see these two getting along. Maybe Rosalind has opened a tear and come to Rapture -- Or maybe it's a universe where she's always been there. We can get super creative here!
Eleanor Lamb x OC This would need to take place post-BioShock 2. I don't have any solid ideas, I just love Eleanor and would love to play her. A chance for us to plot!
OC x OC Obviously completely down to play OCs! My OC mentioned earlier, Josie, a journalist, is my primary OC for BioShock. Definitely interested in something that starts before the war or in the middle of it -- And explores how characters we obviously didn't see in the game are managing to survive.
Also -- Platonically I would love to explore something with Tenenbaum and Jack. I just don't want this mistaken for a romantic ship, as I think their dynamic is strictly motheson.
There are other things I might be interested in exploring! Tbh I am very willing to play any of the following: Brigid Tenenbaum, Eleanor Lamb, Diane McClintock, Jasmine Jolene, even an OC! I also really love the dynamic between Jack and Brigid Tenenbaum, so a non-ship RP there could be fun. So any idea you might have, feel free to toss it my way! -
Columbia Timeline (Pre-game, BioShock Infinite)
I am mostly interested in playing a canon character, and exploring some alternate timelines or moments in the game. This one is a lot more vague, and I'm a little less interested in Infinite, but I thought I would mention it nonetheless.
I don't even have any particular ships to mention, but I would like the chance to play Elizabeth. I just adore her. She's my preference -- But I could be persuaded to flesh out a Vox Populi OC.
Also a crossover ship between Elizabeth and Jack might be fun! I haven't finished Burial at Sea yet, but I do know the gist of what happens and canon is just a sandbox for us to play in anyway!
-
I hope someone out there is in the mood for a BioShock roleplay and will reach out! Looking forward to hearing from you! :)

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Hey all I’ve had an idea I’ve been thinking about for a while for a back up or future character but I’m not quite sure how to make it work logistically and thought I’d come here for opinions/help it’s early stages though so bear with me. Pretty much I want to play as someone who has possessed/replaced someone else, transmigrate may be a good term but not from a different world or anything, essentially I’ve been trying to see if there are any spells or monsters that would work with this, maybe even from older editions. The main points I want to have is a backstory for this character with people they knew etc. and let the dm come up with a history for the body that I know nothing of essentially having to balance interacting with people/places I knew as someone else and having no idea about people/groups who would recognise “me”

So while walking my cat just now, she approached the large pile of dry grass trimmings at the back of my yard, and something started hissing at her. To my ears it sounded a lot like a cat hissing and lashing out under the pile. Still convinced it was a cat, and it was not running out from under the grass, I grabbed a stick from the adjacent pile of thin branches and dry grape vine trimmings and started digging to get a visual of the animal, it still hissing and lashing out (to me it sounded like a cat striking it's claw and hissing on both the exhale and inhale, and some grumbling). Finally after some digging aroumd carefully to not hit or hook the ball of unhappy possibly trapped under the dry hay, I catch a glimpse of a few reflections of light from my small flashlight (11pm), and after 10-ish seconds of intense stares, they we dark coloured needles and my brain caught up to what I'm looking at and shifted my gaze to see it's snout peeking from under it. From what I could tell, it's a rather large hedgehog (seemed slightly larger than my head - adult male), it was alone (no other sounds other than it and me... and my curious cat that I had to step on the leash to keep it away). After a bit of thinking, I put back some of the dry grass I had disturbed (overall maybe 6% of the grass pile was displaced), and said to head here to ask: Is the hedgehog safe where it is, or was there a possibility it was stuck?
This is in eastern europe.
TL;DR: Found hedgehog under pile of dry grass, was it there on purpose, or stuck?

Current excuses for not having rulebook done:
-Needed to finish Armor and Weapons update since there were pretty big changes (back side Armor movement, off-hand stuff). Basically any tutorial would become obsolete very quickly until these are done. That's now complete, and you'll see these introductory Weapons and Armor (Unarmed/improvised; chains/rags) that present logical stepping stones of increasing complexity.
-STILL TOO DAMN LONG. I mean, probably not for you regulars around here, but for the unwashed masses we're trying to save from crappy d20 combat. I was able to trim about 25% of the QuickRules off on my last go-around. My goal is 50%, which may or may not be doable as-is.
But these two bullet points have lead me back to an improved version of my old idea for Intro adventure(s) and a kinda HeroQuest-inspired Quest Book.
Basically, here's the plan:
-Stupidly short QuickStart rules. 10-20 pages of mostly pictures that essentially tell you the icons and basics of reading the cards
-Quest 1 (page 1): Escape from Camp Stereotype: Players start with Chains and Unarmed as their equipment. Stunt Hand size is 0 so they don't even need to know about that. Players get a paragraph of exposition, then spend 2-3 rounds learning to walk and make a basic attack on a passive enemy.
-After Quest 1 (page 2): Wooo! You're so amazing. Here's some exposition and encouragement as a reward. Make a simple multiple choice Attribute-related RP/skill challenge decision thingy. Small reward/consequence.
-Quest 2 (page 3): Exposition. Get Improvised Weapons that have front/back stuff and some meaningful decisions to make. Teach them about Stunts, they can now draw them. Heroes beat up some mooks who now kinda fight back (but still pretty basic).
-After Quest 2 (page 4): INCREDIBLE! Some more exposition and encouragement/rewards. Another multiple choice RP thing. Heroes get their chains cut.
-Quest 3: Chains are cut, so the Heroes get upgraded to Rags for Armor. Rags have Dodge, so explain how this works. Fight enemies that outnumber the Heroes and/or are mobile so that Heroes have to learn to utilize their Dodge.
-After Quest 3: UNNNNBELLLIIEEEVVAABBLLEEE!!! You're the smartest players ever! Exposition, Level up! (Raise an attribute). get some decent basic weapons and Armor. The multiple-choice/ RP element here determines where/how they engage the enemy in Quest 4 (end of Intro).
-Quest 4: Heroes now have some upgraded attributes and got to choose some basic Weapons/Armor and got a taste for customization and now know everything about WoS. Quest 4 culminates in a big combat. Maybe even introduce an optional PvP thing here (or after, optional Quest 5 is kill each other...).
So, that's pretty much it.
-~15 pages of actual "read this before playing" quickstart rules.
-10 pages of intro quest book, with a combat encounter on the left page and some exposition/rp/rewards/choices on the right hand
-Ideally this Intro adventure would take about 2.5 hours to play through (30 minute setup/rules read, 30 minutes per 'Quest') short enough to make a nice 'let's play' video of the whole thing
-Intro Quests can use abridged decks for Stunts/Wounds and only need a handful of weapons, so total card count can probably be >50
-A page of prefilled Hero Cards available as well. (1-1-1-1, 2-1-1-1, 1-2-1-1, etc)
-Want to skip the Intro? Sure. Then read the Quickstart Rules, and the Advanced Quickstart Rules supplement which basically skips over the whole chains/unarmed -> rags/improvised -> basic armor / weapon hand-holding.
TL;DR: Use beginner equipment cards + tutorial quest book to cut Quickstart rules down substantially

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For context, 1 of my best friends is my sister, studying photogrsphy and the other is doing a yesr abroad opportunity (but not in uni). I am studying chemistry and i have my exams right now, its horrible. My sister got her grades bsck and shes achieving about 70% so far (only 1 more unit back). I am barely passing my degree. The other friend is having the best time, making friends, and overall seems to be enjoying herself. But I wouldnt know exactly since when I try and talk to her, I get left on read. She works through the day, about 11-5pm (roughly), and has some days off occasionally. It was my birthday recently, and usually she posts on her story at least somewhere to wish us happy birthday, she didnt. She did message us saying happy birthday, but on the wrong day (for me anyways). Shes having so much fun, they both are doing so well. I am not, Im having the worst time. I might have to resit the course etc, so it makes me feel like they are succeeding so much and I'm not. I feel like they are having so much fun without me being there that theres no point trying if I'm not going to get any messages back. How can I deal with it?

All of the analogue sync cables work great for start, stop and tempo. I have no problem sending a midi signal for notes in mGB as a rom or physical cart. The problem I am having is a cc message seems to get sent to the pocket that does not happen on a dmg or color. The setup is an arduinoboy pro in mGB mode, I have tried different cables and settings in software and the cc message that is sent immediately changes all settings once a parameter is changed in mGB on the pocket. Happens with a physical cart, gb core and color core. Been diving deep back into lsdj sync etc hoping to remember some setting that could change this. I will do a video in a bit to show the results.
​
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Hello Reddit, I come to you in a time of need, I've been enjoying Gamepass on PC for the past week but all of a sudden today, My gamepass keeps telling me that I need to install gaming services which I already installed and have tried since to do so again, My games do not appear in my library anymore and I can't play any of my games on it currently.
I recently installed Valorant through it aswell and have been unable to uninstall that aswell, the app also says it's unable to locate installation folder in settings under general and it's been where i left it at the root folder with nothing edited, I've uninstalled the xbox app and reinstalled it, logged in and out, tried various trouble shooting methods, I'm unsure if this is common enough that someone will know what to do so I plead to you for your help, I want to enjoy the awesome games with friends ;-;

First post- https://www.reddit.com/nosleep/comments/13wy7qb/i_was_a_lab_assistant_of_sorts/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3
Hey guys, I’m back again with an update.
It’s been a couple of days and the food is just about gone. Luckily, there’s a sink in the corner so I don’t have to worry about water. It tastes a little metaly but it hasn’t made me puke so I guess it’s fine. For some reason, there’s a bag of cat food in the corner so I guess if it comes down to it I can eat that.
Okay, now onto what you’re all really interested in.
The little potato dude is okay. He’s still a weird little guy, but I haven’t had to smash him yet. I know what he eats now, but that's getting ahead of myself a bit. We’ve come to an understanding but it definitely took us some time to get there.
The first day was the worst.
As I tried to find ways out of the little room, the little guy just kept screaming to be let out. The longer he screamed, the more he started to sound like a baby crying for food. I swear I could hear him through my headphones, and after they died, I was stuck with just the sound of him crying. I alternated between charging my phone and charging my earbud case, but sometimes I was still left listening to the little guy scream.
He cried till about midnight, and that's when I almost snapped.
I picked up the tank, now more like a fish tank and less like a jar, and stared through the glass at him. I must have been pretty scary because he stopped yelling and just stared back at me with his multiple eyes. He had so many, they were all over his body, and we had a little staring contest before I finally told him to shut up.
“Or else I will smash your little tank and squish you like a bug.”
He seemed to think about that, and when he nodded it was like his whole body nodding.
We had some silence after that as the two of us sat and made our little plans. I thought about calling campus security, but when I tried, they just thought I was goofing. I tried to explain to them where I was and what was going on, but they just told me not to play games and hung up on me. I tried 911 again, but they said the same thing. Heck, the lady on the 911 call threatened to call the police if I kept calling, and I told her to go right ahead. Maybe the police could find me better than campus security, but since they haven’t broken down the door yet, I guess not.
It was about three am when I finally thought to look at the tank and found him watching me.
“Well?” I asked, making the little guy jump, “Have you got any ideas?”
He seemed to think about it, but before he could say it, I cut him off.
“And don’t say let you out of the tank.”
“Fair enough,” he said, “In that case, I have nothing to add yet.”
“Terrific!” I said, putting my head in my hands and staring at the floor.
“Have you, perhaps, thought about vents or drains?”
I had, but they were all too small for me to climb into. There was a drain in the floor but I couldn’t even get a foot in there. The ventilation shafts were an idea, but most of them would be too snug for me. I’m a beefy guy, not muscular but kinda fat, and getting stuck in the vents sounded like a terrible way to die without anyone realizing it.
“Yeah, obviously. I’m too big to fit through those.”
“A problem I do not have.” the creature reminded me, more than a little smugly too.
“Back to that again,” I growled, “And what's to stop you from just leaving me hanging once you get out?”
The little dude didn’t say anything for a few minutes, contemplating his next move as I Googled like a madman. I was looking for blueprints for the college online since a place like this would have to have them filed. See, I’m not super smart when it comes to math and science, but I know a little bit about building permits and filing your blueprints with the city. If this place was built by the college, then it had to exist in the public sphere.
After an hour of looking with no results, I was ready to throw my phone down. I went and grabbed some kale chips out of the little fridge, munching them sullenly as I tried to come up with a plan. The little guy was back to looking at me again, and I couldn’t help but notice that something had changed. All the eyes on his body opened and closed but they were never all open at once. He also looked tired, maybe even a little pale. I looked down at the bag of chips and thought again about how I might have to feed this little guy at some point.
“Do you need to eat? It’s been about twenty-four hours since Doc was here, and I don’t think I’ve ever been here when he feeds you.”
The little creature pulled its lips up into a sad smile, “You couldn’t feed me what I want. I don’t eat normal food and you aren’t equipped to give me what I need.”
I started to get a little offended, “What's that supposed to mean?”
It looked at me, and I felt a little shudder ripple over my skin as it did.
“I feed on brain waves. Creative brain waves, to be precise. The Doctor feeds me by just being around me like his lab assistants did. You, however, don’t seem to create the same way he did. You look at your little device all the time and it makes your brain waves taste bland and unappetizing. That's why The Doctor’s Assistants kept getting headaches. The more they created, the more I fed. The Doctor doesn’t get them because his mind is like a wellspring. You, on the other hand, are incapable of nourishing me. You simply don’t think the same.”
I sat back, not sure whether to be happy that I couldn’t feed him or offended that he was sayin I was too dumb?
In the end, I guess I just decided to roll with it.
“Well, I guess we’re both stuck then. You need to eat brainwaves and I need to eat food. We can’t get either here, so what do we do about it?”
“Is there anything in here we could use to break open the door?” the creature asked hopefully.
“Checked already. There’s some lab equipment and the fridge, the table you're on, and the chair I’m sitting in. Other than that, not much. There are books, but none of them are gonna get us out of here.”
I kept searching on my phone for something that looked familiar in the blueprints, but it was getting frustrating.
“Ugh, if only I knew where we were. If I knew the name of the building I could find the right map or tell security where to find us!”
“Wait, is that all you need to get us out of here?” it asked, floating close to the side of the tank so it could look at me.
“Well yeah. If I knew where we were then I could tell security where we were stuck.”
“I know where we are,” it said, and it sounded less smug and more sinister when it said it.
I stared back at it for a few seconds, waiting for it to fill me in.
It sat there for a few seconds, waiting for me to ask the question.
“Well? Are you gonna tell me or what?”
“Why should I?” it said, “If I tell you, then you’ll just leave and I’ll be stuck here. What guarantee do I have that you won’t just leave me once you’ve gained your freedom.”
The little son of a bitch had me there. There would be nothing to stop me from just leaving him here to die in that tank. Without any brain wave to gobble, he’d shrivel up and die. Maybe that's what he deserved, but I just couldn’t bring myself to hate him like that. The little dude had never done me wrong, and I couldn’t mess up my karma by shafting him like that.
“I promise that if we get that door open, I’ll take you with me.”
“And release me?” he asked, hedging.
“Dude, if you get us out of here, I’ll take you to SeaWorld and release you, if that's what you want. The kale chips are going to run out soon, and if I starve, you are SOL little bud. You might not be able to eat my brain waves, but you can’t open your tank or dial my cell phone with those baby fingers either. Whether we like it or not, we kinda need each other right now.”
The creature nodded, bumping its little head against the side of the glass.
“Agreed. I will have to trust in your honor, I suppose.”
“Brah, I am chocked full of honor. I've never welched on a promise and I’m not gonna start now.”
“Very well then,” it said with a little smile, “The building is called Rashley Laboratories. At least that's what the assistants always thought of when they thought about it at all. One of them thought it was spooky when they walked through it to get here, and the images led me to believe that it might be abandoned.”
I already had the cell phone out and Googling as he finished. There was no Rashley Laboratories, but there was an R. Ashley Science Hall. It had been abandoned in the nineties after an explosion in the science wing, but the campus had never torn it down for some reason. It had been named a historic building in two thousand nine and while they had renovated the outside to make it prettier, the inside was pretty much untouched.
Sounded like a great place for a secret lab and a covert experiment.
Campus security picked up on the second ring, and I sighed when I realized it was the same guy I had dealt with the night before.
“Campus security, Officer Rob speaking, how may I help you?”
“Hey, yeah, we talked last night before you hung up on me. I still,”
“Hey, I remember you. Are you still playing this game? This has got to be getting old by now.”
“Look, just listen. We’re…I’m stuck in the R. Ashley Science Hall and I need help.”
There was silence as he digested this.
“Okay, nice try, but that building has been closed for years. I’m pretty sure the doors never open.
How exactly did you get in there, if you are actually stuck in there?”
“It’s hard to explain,” I said, looking at the little potato dude as I thought about how to start.
“I’ve got time, let's hear the whole story,” he said, pretending to be interested.
To hell with it, I decided, might as well lay it all on the line.
“I’m sitting down here with Doctor Crandler’s experiment, the one who got arrested for buying stuff to make. He pays me to sit down here and watch it at night, but the door is locked and I need someone to let me out.”
The line was quiet for a few seconds, and then Officer Rob started laughing.
“Wow, great story. I love the little name drop, but I’m kind of busy to be going down to an abandoned building and tromping through dust right now, why don’t you call back when,”
“Fine,” I said, deciding to take another direction, “maybe I’ll just call the Feds and let them know that I have a highly illegal experiment that Doctor Crandler was working on and that the college was probably helping to fund. Then, when they ask why campus security didn’t take the call, you can tell them how you thought it was a big joke and didn’t look into it. That's probably going to make you look really great.”
There was silence for a minute, then a big sigh from Rob.
“Okay, kid. It’s at least worth a look, I guess. Give me your cell phone number so I can call you from my security phone when I get there. You can help me find you since you’re so lost.”
I looked back at the potato dude, putting my hand over the phone as I whispered, “Got any other ideas about how to find us?”
He looked like he was thinking, before nodding and saying he could probably guide him to us.
So that's where we’re at now. Help seems to be on the way, and I’m updating you guys as I wait for the security dude to call back. I’ll post again when I have an update so stay tuned for more news. Wish me luck, hopefully, we make it out of here pretty soon cause one more kale chip and I might need a barf bucket.

I was just offered a job in the ace warehouse and it’s one i’m pretty happy about. They asked when i’d be able to come in for a mouth swab, only thing i’d test positive for is THC but considering it’s legal in the state of illinois is this something i should be worried about? Do they care about you testing positive as long as it’s not evident that your stoned on the job or will i be turned down?

My boyfriend and I have been together 4 years and I have never met his family. They live about a 2 hour flight away. He’s been back multiple times since we met but has never taken me, always a different excuse and has cancelled our planned trips a few times now.
We had finally planned again to go mid week and had a leaving party with friends planned the weekend before, for some friends who are moving abroad.
He decided he wants to go to Ibiza for the weekend first (where he has been multiple times), and that I should fly to his home country by myself and meet him there.
This will make me miss the party, and have to travel alone. If this wasn’t the first time meeting the family and it hadn’t been postponed so many times I wouldn’t mind so much, but as it is I think it should be something we do together. To me meeting the family is a big deal and not something to tack onto the end of a trip. I’m also horrible at travelling and get panic attacks before hand so travelling isn’t easy for me.
I’ve asked him to not go that weekend and to go to Ibiza another weekend but he’s booked it anyway. Now I don’t want to join him on the trip. I feel like out of principle I shouldn’t go since he’s refusing to take my views into consideration and I’m the one making the effort to travel and meet his family. I’ve let it go every other time so I kind of want a consequence to his choices
He’s saying he’s done nothing wrong and has no idea what my problem is. Now I’m the bad guy for not going on the trip.
Should I go on the trip or not?
Tldr: cancelling my trip to meet my boyfriends parents because he prioritised trip to Ibiza

tl;dr: My therapist wants me to keep a journal for my emotions. I've had bad experiences doing such in the past, but... I've thought about it for a few weeks, and I'd like to try. I think I'd have to break it into two journals though because the idea of mixing up thoughtful entries with emotional entries makes me feel queasy... does anyone else do this?
Long version:
I love to write. I loathe sharing what I write. It's one of the major manifestations of my trauma, and changed the course of my life and my career in such major ways that I often feel like I was robbed of something as natural to me as walking and talking.
The idea of writing anything and having my name attached to it is terrifying. I am overcome with shame and anxiety, and I break out in a cold sweat.
So when my therapist suggested I keep a journal, I felt that same panic.
I have a difficult time accepting my negative emotions. Anger is often followed by intense shame, and sadness feels like something I'm supposed to hide. I don't like talking about stressful things to others because I'm afraid of bringing them down. My therapist has been working with me on this, but I need to take a break from therapy for a few months due to various surgeries and events going on in my life, so he told me I should consider keeping a journal just for emotions: exploring them, owning them, giving them a voice and recognizing they are part of me but they do not define who I am as a person, etc. Just... the idea of keeping a written record of my frustrations and sorrows makes me feel so exposed. And what if something happens to me, and someone finds it? They'll think that's all I ever was!
I've been thinking about it, though. I dug out some old lined journals I have (I love collecting them!) and I have them sitting on my desk, empty, waiting. And I got to thinking... I don't want to only write about negative things, my vents and my worries. I want writing to be enjoyable again. So what if I kept two journals? one for emotions, and for thoughts? I could write about things I've learned or things I'm interested in for the thoughts journal, and the things I'm feeling in the emotions journal. Maybe one will give context to the other. I don't know.
I'm in a safe place now. I have only people around me who care for and respect me. My partner panics when we're on our iPads and hers opens up to whatever I'm browsing on mine, lol, she doesn't want to creep on my business. I am safe, and I am loved. So I know that won't be an issue. I guess I just... feel afraid about what's inside of me, and I don't want others to see that without also knowing the real me. So maybe two journals in the answer? Plus, I'll have a journal I WANT to revisit and read. I don't think I could handle going back to my emotions journal ever. the cringe would be too much.